Lemonade Mother Fluffer

It's RICH!  

It's TART!  

It's LIGHT!

It's SWEET! 

It's FLUFFY!  

It's CREAMY! 

It's SMOOTH!

It's LUSCIOUS!

What else could you POSSIBLY call it besides Lemonade Mother Fluffer?!?

Ingredients

5 oz heavy cream

1/2 cup Splenda Granular
1 3.4 oz box of sugar free instant lemon pudding mix
2 8 oz packages of cream cheese (at room temperature)
3 single serve packets sugar free lemonade drink mix (or to taste)

4 oz water

Instructions

• In a small mixing bowl, combine cream and pudding mix.
• Beat on low speed for 2 minutes (mixture will be thick).
• In a medium mixing bowl, beat cream cheese with Splenda until light and fluffy, about 3 minutes.
• Stir lemonade mix into water
• Gradually beat lemonade mixture into cream cheese.
• Combine pudding mixture.
• Spoon into serving container(s)
• Cover and refrigerate for at least 4 hours.

Cook's Notes:

I recommend serving in ramekins, martini or champagne glasses with a dollop of whipped cream, a sprig of fresh mint or a curled lemon slice

You can bring your cream cheese to room temperature by running each 8 oz block individually through a microwave for 30 seconds. DO NOT do them both for one minute!!!

Of course you COULD serve it as a pie with a ground nut crust - but I'll leave that as an exercise for the reader.

When you tell your guests what this creation is named, speak clearly and carefully...

Shrimp and Zoodle Ramen

It only took one serving for me to become a Zoodles (zucchini noodles) fan.  I'll never go back to Spaghetti squash or, God help me, those awful "Miracle Noodles" - of course, if you are a fan of either of those they work perfectly well as a replacement for the Zoodles in this recipe.  

If you want to try zoodles I strongly recommend the "Spiralizer" brand available at Amazon and other retail outlets.  I'm not compensated in any way by Spiralizer - just a fan..  

1 medium zucchini
1 tsp sesame oil
1 Tbsp low-sodium soy sauce
2 cup low-sodium chicken broth
1 clove garlic peeled
1/2 tsp ginger grated
8 sliced mushrooms
8 medium shrimp cooked, peeled and deveined
1 egg hard boiled
2 Tbsp green onion chopped
1 chili pepper sliced (optional - usually Serrano or Jalapeno)
Servings: bowls (depending on your eating capacity)


Make your zoodles on the thinnest setting, set aside

In a small pot, combine sesame oil, soy sauce, chicken broth, garlic and ginger. Bring to a hard boil, then reduce to simmer. If shrimp are frozen, add them and the mushrooms to the mixture then cover and wait 5 minutes for them to thaw and cook in the hot broth.  Otherwise add thawed shrimp with 2 minutes remaining.

Meanwhile, prepare a hardboiled egg by adding an egg cold water, bring to a boil, cover and remove from heat for 10 minutes. Transfer to cold water immediately and let sit for 2-3 minutes, then peel and slice in half.

Assemble your ramen bowl by placing the desired amount of zoodles in a bowl, followed by hot broth, shrimp, mushrooms and half of a hardboiled egg. Garnish with green onions and, if desired, sliced red hot chili peppers.

Cook's Notes:

• For the mushrooms I used baby bellas  (Cremini) but you can use shiitake to be more authentic - or just plain old white buttons!
• The heat of the broth will cook the zoodles and impart a delicious flavor in them.

Greek Chicken and Parsley in an Egg-Lemon Sauce

I am extremely fond of egg-lemon sauce - or the soup. Here it is paired with chicken and parsley in this unusual dish in which the parsley is treated like a vegetable rather than as a garnish. The Greeks call it Kotopoulo me Maidano Avgolemono .  You will need a parsley garden of your own to do this, as the recipe calls for 3 POUNDS of parsley!

1/2 cup olive oil
2-3 lbs chicken pieces
1 cup dry white wine
Salt and freshly ground pepper to taste
1 cup chicken stock or water
3 lbs fresh flat-leaf parsley plus additional for garnish
10-12 scallions (spring onions), green and white parts, chopped 

Avgolemono sauce (see below) 

Heat half the oil in a skillet over moderate heat and brown the chicken pieces on all sides.
Add the wine and cook for 5 minutes.
Add the salt, pepper, and chicken stock and simmer covered over low heat for 30 minutes.
Cut off and discard most of the stems of the parsley.
Heat the remaining oil in a separate skillet over moderate heat and saute the parsley and scallions until wilted, about 3 minutes.
Add to the chicken mixture and cook 10 to 15 minutes more.
Place the chicken pieces on a serving platter and arrange the parsley mixture around the chicken. Spoon the avgolemono sauce over the chicken and garnish with chopped fresh parsley. 

Serves 4 to 6 

Avgolemono Sauce 

2 eggs
Juice of 2 lemons
2 tsp cornstarch mixed with
2 Tbs cold water
1 1/2 cups chicken stock or water
Salt and freshly ground pepper to taste 

Whisk together the eggs, lemon juice, and cornstarch mixture.
Combine with the remaining ingredients in a saucepan and bring to a simmer over low heat, stirring frequently, until the sauce is hot and slightly thickened.
Do not boil. 

Makes about 2 cups

Sugar Free Lemon Cheesecake Mousse

Sugar Free Lemon Cheesecake Mousse

There are delicious recipes and there are dead simple recipes, but you know you've scored a huge hit when you find a dead simple delicious recipe.  Such a recipe resides below.  Dessert that makes you look like a kitchen goddess that can be whipped together in 10 minutes!

• 8 ounces mascarpone or cream cheese at room temperature
• 1/4 cup lemon juice or juice of 2 fresh lemons
• 1 cup heavy cream
• 1/2-1 tablespoon Splenda Granular (or equivalent sweetener of choice)
• 1/8 teaspoon salt

Add cream cheese and lemon juice to a stand mixer and blend until smooth.
Add heavy cream and the rest of the ingredients and blend until whipped.
Taste and adjust sweetener if needed.
Pipe into serving glasses and sprinkle on lemon zest if desired.
Keep refrigerated until ready to serve.

Cook's Notes:

• If you decide on this at the last minute and have no time to bring the cream cheese to room temperature, unwrap it, put it on a plate and microwave for NO MORE than 30 seconds - it's perfect!
• Fresh lemons are easier to squeeze and give more juice if you microwave them for 10 seconds.
• Zest your lemons BEFORE you squeeze them!  Fresh blueberries also make a beautiful garnish in season - add them at service.
• Put mixture in a zip-top bag, snip the corner and use it as an economical piping bag.
• That minuscule pinch of salt points up the sweetness AND the lemon - but go lightly with it.  A little is perfect - a lot is ruinous.

Is It Spoiled?

I am a man who truly *LOVES* food. I hold it and marvel at it's beauty, I bite it and exult in it's texture. I chew it and savor the components of it's taste.

I also cook. I'm a cook, not a chef. A chef is just a cook who can swear in French.  But I know that a LOT of my readers AREN'T cooks and you sometimes encounter items that MAY be a bit past their prime.  below is a sure-fire way to answer the age old question: "Is It Spoiled?"

Eggs  When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

Dairy Products  Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt.
Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese.
Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese.
Regular cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realize you've never purchased that kind.

Bread  Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.

Flour  Flour is spoiled if it wiggles.

Canned Goods  Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of carefully.

Carrots  A carrot in which you can tie a clove hitch is not fresh.

Raisins  Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.

Potatoes  Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.

Chip Dip  If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.

Unmarked Items  Generally speaking, plastic containers should not burp when you open them.  You know it is well beyond it’s prime when you're tempted to discard the plastic container along with the food. 

My Go-To Protein Shake

I love my protein shakes.  I have AT LEAST one everyday - and that one shake is almost always my Double Chocolate Iced Mocha Delight.  I get asked for the recipe all the time, so today I reveal to the world what I'm sipping  while I sit on the back deck in the morning sun...


This shake has 2 purposes for me.  Besides being delicious it has to deliver a high level of nutrition aside from the protein and assist with the normal bodily functions that "get out of whack" in bariatric patients.  So, there are 2 sets of recipes below.  The first is for the basic protein shake - and the second my "kicked up" version.  I rarely specify name brands in my recipes, but I'll give them to you here.  I found these brands work best for me.  You are welcome to substitute as you see fit.

I invented this recipe when I was traveling every week, so necessarily, all the ingredients are powdered so they could be packaged and tucked in my suitcase.  I'll talk about liquid options below.  Also, since I drink these EVERY DAY I make them up in quantity.  

Once you've been drinking protein shakes long enough, you have HUNDREDS of protein scoops falling out of your kitchen drawers.  For that reason my whole world is measured in "protein scoops" and I'll use those same measurements here.

Basic Shake: Makes about 18 Shakes

16  scoops Nature's Best Isopure Dutch Chocolate Protein
16 teaspoons Folger's Crystals instant decaffeinated coffee
4   1.4oz (small) packages Jell-0 brand sugar free Chocolate (or Chocolate Fudge) pudding mix
16 scoops non-fat dry milk (I buy the house brand at Sam's club)

Use 2 scoops of this mixture in a shaker cup or blender with 12 to 16 oz of water and ice.

Super Shake:

Start with recipe above and add:
4 scoops All One Powder Multiple Vitamins & Minerals
16 teaspoons Benefiber
16 teaspoons Miralax

Use 2 1/2 scoops of this mixture in a shaker cup or blender with 12 to 16 oz of water and ice.

By way of explanation, the All-One Powder is a tasteless and quite potent vitamin supplement that I use to augment the chewables I also take daily.
The Benefiber is the tasteless colorless fiber that dissolves completely in water without making a thick gloppy (technical term) mass
The Miralax is the perfect amount of laxative used daily that helps me avoid the "River Rock Syndrome" and, along with lots of water, keeps me regular

Liquids:

In each shake there is 1 scoop of non-fat dry milk, which makes approximately 1 cup (8 oz) of milk when mixed with water.  If you are lactose intolerant you can leave out the powdered milk and use 1 cup of almond or soy (or any other) milk.  If you leave out the powdered milk, reduce the powder mix by ONE scoop per shake.
The remaining liquid can also be anything, usually water.  I invariably have leftover coffee each day that I put in the refrigerator to add to my shake - I LIKE that extra coffee flavor punch.

 Cook's Notes:

• This makes a lot of shake mix.  I can easily be halved or even quartered.  I keep mine in a left over protein container since I have stacks of them!
• You can make ANY flavor combination using different proteins and pudding flavors.  I really enjoy a Vanilla Pistachio on occasion (without the coffee!) or a Caribbean Cheesecake.  Don't be afraid to buy single serve protein powder packets and experiment.  You may find the ONE SHAKE that is perfect for YOU..

OODLES OF ZOODLES!!!

The "Spiralizer" - My zoodle maker of choice

I've a rule in my kitchen that EVERY tool and appliance MUST have more than one purpose.  No "single-tasker" devices.  Even my kitchen tongs double as a citrus squeezer and the coffeemaker does pots and cups and lattes and specialty drinks.  So it took a LONG time and a LOT of convincing before I plunked down real American dollars for a "Spiralizer" - and then, it sat unused in the cabinet, still in it's box for months.  Until last night...

At the end of my rope for dinner I wanted SOMETHING different and rummaging through the fridge I found a couple zucchini that were past their prime and said, "Eh, why not?"

20 minutes of digging through cabinets finally surfaced the long forgotten chuck of plastic and steel and rendered those pitiful zucchini into beautiful green and white ribbons.  I was in love..

Sauteed some chicken breast, a leek, some mushrooms, celery and garlic in butter - then tossed in the "zoodles" to get them heated through.

Just to be cautious I also warmed some leftover red sauce I had in the fridge and whipped up a poor man's Alfredo  sauce with cream and Parmesan. I didn't need either.  The veg and meat combo was delicious as is - even the non-bariatric eaters in the house thought it was wonderful

No more spaghetti squash for me - and CERTAINLY no more nasty "miracle noodles."  I'm a ZOODLES man from now on, and that spiralizer has earned a place of prominence on my countertop where it will be REGULARLY used!

Cook's Notes:

Al dente zoodles. It's what we all want, right?

• If you are using zoodles to replace noodles in stir-fry don't add the zoodles to the mix until about the last two minutes of cooking and add them raw.
• If you are using zoodles to replace noodles under sauce such as Alfredo or Bolognese, you can do one of two things: you can either parboil them (bring pot of water to full boil, drop zoodles in and cook for about one minute before taking them back out) OR you can simply add the zoodles to the pan of sauce for the last two minutes of cooking. In the latter case, you'll want to make sure you have a good, thick sauce as the zoodles WILL give up some water as they cook.
• If you are making zoodles ahead for hot lunches or some other near-future occasion, don't cook them at all. When you reheat the dish in the microwave (or wherever) they will get sufficiently cooked.
• If you are making zoodles to replace noodles in a cold noodle salad, also don't cook them at all IF (this is important) you are making the salad ahead. Especially when you use tangy dressings (like vinaigrette or sesame ginger) the acid in the dressing will soften your zoodles but will leave them with just enough cold crunch to be really, REALLY satisfying.

Almond Breakfast Cereal

The only REAL reason this blog exists is for me to have a place to "scratch my own itch" - to keep recipes for things that I've had cravings for from my OLD life, now that I've embarked on my NEW life. So, recently, it was cereal.  I was walking down the grocery aisle and my eyes fell on all the labels.   Cheerios, Kashi, Corn Pops, Frosted Flakes, Raisin Brain.  Time was, I could rip open the top and eat the whole box. I mean it’s so good. 

BUT, nutritionally it's crap. It’s expensive sugar in a bowl, so I’ve cut it out of my life. I still miss it - and that means I had to make a version I could eat. 

I was worried about not feeling full from it for long, but that wasn’t an issue. It filled me up all the way until lunch. And it was easy and fast.

Almond Breakfast Cereal
2 Tbsp almonds
2 Tbsp roasted pumpkin seeds (pepitas)
1 Tbsp chia seeds
1/3 cup coconut milk
1/3 cup water
1/2 banana**
handful of blueberries**

**You could add whatever fruit you wanted, this is what I had on hand.



Put the coconut milk in a bowl and add your chia seeds. Let it sit for 3-5 minutes and thicken

Pulse 1 tablespoon of the pumpkin seeds and your almonds in the food processor a few times. Decide how “chunky” you want it. I didn’t grind mine to a pulp,  but it resembled granola.

Place the mixture and the rest of the seeds into the bowl with the chia seeds and milk once it’s thickened and add your fruit on top. Add water (or milk) to your desired consistency. 

A sprinkle of cinnamon finishes it off beautifully.

Cook's Notes:

• With the added fruit I found it had enough sweetness, but a sprinkle of your favorite sweetener is OK if you need it.
• I like the coconut milk, but you can substitute almond, soy or cow (or moose, or ferret) milk
• Next batch I'm adding some slivered almonds too, for the "crispy flake" texture.
• This is SO open to experimentation!  Today I added some vanilla protein powder to the liquid and it was even MORE yummy!

Bacon Cheeseburger Stuffed Portobello

A low carb bacon cheeseburger stuffed portobello mushroom. It's getting warm and I want my summer burgers. This satisfies my craving without wads of fluffy white buns and their associated carbs!

Serves: 4

1 lb ground beef
½ tsp salt
¼ tsp black pepper
2 to 3 cloves garlic, peeled and minced
¼ cup tomato puree or sauce, check ingredients (make sure there is no sugar)
2 ½ tbsp mayonnaise
2 tbsp flax meal
4 large portobello mushrooms, stemmed
4 strips bacon, cooked and chopped
⅓ cup grated cheese


Preheat oven to 400 F, and line or grease a baking sheet.
Add ground beef, sea salt, black pepper and minced garlic to a fry pan over medium high heat and cook until beef is browned.
Drain beef of excess fat.
In a large mixing bowl combine: browned ground beef and garlic, tomato sauce, flax meal and mayonnaise.
Mix together thoroughly.
Spoon equal amounts of meat mixture into hollow of the portobella mushrooms.
Top with chopped bacon.
Place mushrooms on a lined or oiled baking sheet.
Bake at 400 for 15 to 20 minutes until mushrooms are cooked.
Remove from oven and top with grated cheese if desired.
Allow to cool slightly. Top each with grated cheese and your favorite cheeseburger toppings!


Cook's Notes:

• Check the labels on your tomato products and mayonnaise. The GOOD ones don't add sugar
• ⅓ cup of cheese isn't much.  I must admit I drowned mine in loads of rich cheddar - and I LOVED it!

Hamburger - Sandwich Buns

I know..  How exciting is a picture of plain old white bread?  Well, that depends on which side of bariatric surgery you are standing on! From my point of view, it's one of the most beautiful pictures I've ever posted.  

Here is the recipe for these lovely buns which work great on those occasions when you would KILL for a hamburger or  sandwich. I also use them in the morning for breakfast and toast in my toaster oven and make a nice egg, bacon and cheese sandwich. Works great for any kind of sandwich you may want.

I use a muffin top pan to bake these in.


It really is the best for size and texture that you'll come out with. 

I have not found a bread/bun recipe that I like better so far. And I have tried literally HUNDREDS of them


Hamburger - Sandwich Buns


6 tablespoons Parmesan cheese
3 tablespoons almond flour
1 tablespoon psyllium husk powder (also known as unflavored fiber in the drugstore "digestive health" aisle)
3/4 teaspoon baking powder
3 eggs
3 tablespoons water -- OR other liquid such as almond milk, broth, etc.

In medium bowl add Parmesan cheese, almond flour, psyllium husk powder and baking powder. Whisk together.

Add eggs and water and whisk until smooth.

Preheat oven to 350 F. Grease 4 muffin top tins. Pour batter evenly in each. Bake 15 to 17 min. or until done.

Let cool completely. Slice each bun in half


4 servings: Per Serving: 131 Calories; 9g Fat (58.3% calories from fat); 9g Protein; 5g Carbohydrate; 4g Dietary Fiber, 1g net carb per bun

COOK'S NOTES : 

• Put all the dry ingredients in a coffee grinder and grind for about 10 - 15 seconds to sift together and get out any clumps. This makes a really nice texture to the buns. 
• For added "yeasty" flavor, add 1 tbsp nutritional yeast flakes to dry ingredients.
• Like any good bread these can be flavored either sweet or savory.  Anything from Cinnamon Raisin to Black Pepper Poppy Garlic..  Experiment!

Cauliflower Rice Pudding

I grew up eating my Granny's rice pudding.  We always looked forward to it the nights after there was any rice leftover from the previous evening's meal. EVERYTHING was used and reused in our house.  As a kid I often wondered why we had a trash can.  Virtually NOTHING ever went into it!  I've had rice pudding in big bowls with large spoons.  I've eaten it baked with a crispy crunchy top and eaten it from wine and martini glasses in fancy restaurants - and I loved every one of them.

Of course, the low carb lifestyle I now try to maintain takes rice pudding off the table, as it were...  At least until now.  I've been substituting cauliflower for mashed potatoes and rice for several years, when it suddenly hit me that it tastes like RICE - and THAT means RICE PUDDING!!!

This makes about 4 servings..  Or ONE if you are home alone..  :-)

2 cups riced cauliflower (about 1/2 head)
1/2 cup coconut cream
1/2 cup unsweetened almond milk (or other)
1 egg
1 teaspoon cinnamon
2 packets Splenda or stevia (Approximate equivalent to 4 tsp sugar)

Place riced cauliflower (see notes below), coconut cream, and (almond) milk in a large microwaveable bowl. Microwave on high for 2 minutes.
Transfer cauliflower mixture to a medium-sized saucepan. Beat in egg. 

Add cinnamon and sweetener. 

Turn on heat to medium-high and cook, stirring often, for about 5 minutes, until it begins to thicken. 

Remove from heat and allow to cool.
Serve warm or cold with desired toppings. 

Store extras in the fridge for up to 3 days.

Cook's Notes:

• To rice cauliflower: Place cauliflower pieces in a food processor and pulse about 20 times, until the cauliflower is finely minced - about the size of regular rice grains. You can finely chop the cauliflower with a knife. Be warned: To get the right consistency, this takes me 10 minutes or longer - and I'm GOOD with a knife!
• If you're not sugar-free and you want to try this recipe, feel free to use sugar instead of the stevia. I would start with a tablespoon and go from there.
• Recommended toppings: Fresh berries, nuts, cinnamon, melted butter, etc.
• I've used almond milk here, but you can use soy, cow, moose, guinea pig - whatever milk you like.

Crispy Quinoa Chicken Parmesan

I stopped at a local Italian deli (sometimes I make bad choices!) and there was a beautiful tray of Chicken Parmesan, deep fried and smothered in Gramma's red gravy and Mozzarella cheese.  Summoning all my fortitude I picked up a bottle of my favorite olive oil and headed for the cash register - leaving the chicken parm behind.  But I didn't forget it! With an amazingly crisp quinoa crust, you'll never guess that this is actually healthy and packed with tons of protein!

Ingredients

1 cup quinoa
1 tablespoon Italian seasoning
2 boneless, skinless chicken breasts, cut crosswise in half
Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper, to taste
1/2 cup all-purpose flour
2 large eggs, beaten
1/2 cup shredded mozzarella cheese
1/4 cup grated Parmesan cheese
1 cup sugar free marinara sauce
1/4 cup basil leaves, chiffonade

Instructions

Preheat oven to 400 degrees F.
Lightly oil a baking sheet or coat with nonstick spray.
In a large saucepan of 1 1/2 cups water, cook quinoa according to package instructions.
Stir in Italian seasoning.
Season chicken with salt and pepper, to taste.
Working in batches, dredge chicken in flour, dip into eggs, then dredge in quinoa mixture, pressing to coat.
Place chicken onto the prepared baking sheet.
Place into oven and bake for 20-25 minutes, or until golden brown.
Top with cheeses and marinara.
Place into oven and bake until cheeses have melted, about 5 more minutes.

Serve immediately, garnished with basil, if desired.

Jalapeno "Fudge"

This is NOT a rework of the creamy smooth sugar bomb you know as fudge,  THIS is a delicious, rich, cheesy, spicy mouth bomb that you can enjoy ANY time  Simple and tasty, go ahead and make this jalapeno fudge for breakfast or for a party appetizer. At .5 carbs per square, this makes a great snack! 

Makes 24 squares

Ingredients:

16 ounces of cheddar cheese, shredded
3 eggs, well beaten
4 fresh jalapenos, chopped
salt and pepper to taste

Directions:

Put chopped peppers in bottom of a lightly buttered 9X13 pan.

Top with cheese and eggs and salt and pepper.

Bake uncovered for 30 minutes in a preheated 350 degree oven. Cut into squares and serve up delicious jalapeno fudge.

Cook's Notes:  

• If you're leary of the jalapeno you can de-vein and de-seed the peppers, but I didn't think it was hot at all made as-is
• Remember those "Sausage Balls" you used to love? You can add cooked breakfast sausage or crispy chorizo in the bottom of the pan with the jalapeno.  

Roast Turkey

There are only 2 ways I'll cook a whole turkey. When I don't have time to prepare the Black Turkey I posted a few days ago, I make this one. It is succulent, delicious and beautifully golden brown. This recipe is from Alton Brown.

1 (14-16 pound) young turkey - thawed

For the brine:
1 cup kosher salt
1/2 cup light brown sugar
1 gallon vegetable stock
1 tablespoon black peppercorns
1/2 tablespoon allspice berries
1/2 tablespoon candied ginger
1 gallon iced water

Combine all brine ingredients, except ice water, in a stock pot and bring to a boil. 

Stir to dissolve solids, then remove from heat, cool to room temperature refrigerate until thoroughly chilled. 

Early on the day of cooking, (or late the night before) combine the brine and ice water in a clean 5 gallon bucket. 

Place thawed turkey breast side down in brine, cover, and refrigerate or set in cool area (like a basement) for 6 hours. 

Turn turkey over once, half way through brining.

For the aromatics:
1 red apple, sliced
1/2 onion, sliced
1 cinnamon stick
1 cup water
4 sprigs rosemary
6 leaves of sage
Canola oil

A few minutes before roasting, heat oven to 500 degrees. 

Combine the apple, onion, cinnamon stick and cup of water in a microwave safe dish and microwave on high for 5 minutes.

Remove bird from brine and rinse inside and out with cold water. 

Discard brine. 

Place bird on roasting rack inside wide, low pan and pat dry with paper towels. 

Add steeped aromatics to cavity along with rosemary and sage. 

Tuck back wings and coat whole bird liberally with canola (or other neutral) oil. 

Place rack on the lowest level of the oven and roast turkey at 500 degrees F for 30 minutes. 

Remove from oven and cover breast with double layer triangle of aluminum foil, insert probe thermometer into thickest part of the breast and return to oven, reducing temperature to 350 degrees. 

Set thermometer alarm (if available) to 161 degrees. 

A 14-16 pound bird should require a total of 2 to 2 1/2 hours of roasting. 

Let turkey rest, loosely covered for 15 minutes before carving.

Your dinner guests will applaud...

Yield: 10 to 12 servings (and amazing leftovers)

Black Turkey

Black Turkey, circa 1963

For over 40 years, at the approach of turkey-eating season, I have been trumpeting to all who would listen, and to a good many who would rather not, that there is only one way to cook a turkey. This turkey is not my turkey. It is the creation of the late Morton Thompson, who wrote "Not as a Stranger" and other books.

This recipe was first contained in the manuscript of a book called "The Naked Countess" which was given to the late Robert Benchley, who had eaten the turkey and was so moved as to write an introduction to the book. Benchley then lost the manuscript. He kept hoping it would turn up-- although not as much, perhaps, as Thompson did, but somehow it vanished, irretrievably. Thompson did not have the heart to write it over. He did, however, later put his turkey rule in another book. Not a cookbook, but a collection of very funny pieces called "Joe, the Wounded Tennis Player".

THE ONLY WAY TO COOK A TURKEY!!!!!!!

This turkey is work... it requires more attention than an average six-month-old baby. There are no shortcuts, as you will see.

Get a HUGE turkey-- I don't mean just a big, big bird, but one that looks as though it gave the farmer a hard time when he did it in. It ought to weigh between 16 and 30 pounds. Have the poultryman, or butcher, cut its head off at the end of the neck, peel back the skin, and remove the neck close to the body, leaving the tube. You will want this for stuffing. Also , he should leave all the fat on the bird.

When you are ready to cook your bird, rub it inside and out with salt and pepper. Give it a friendly pat and set it aside. Chop the heart, gizzard, and liver and put them, with the neck, into a stewpan with a clove of garlic, a large bay leaf, 1/2 tsp coriander, and some salt. I don't know how much salt-- whatever you think. Cover this with about 5 cups of water and put on the stove to simmer. This will be the basting fluid a little later.

About this time I generally have my first drink of the day, usually a RAMOS FIZZ. I concoct it by taking the whites of four eggs, an equal amount of whipping cream, juice of half a lemon (less 1 tsp.), 1/2 tsp. confectioner's sugar, an appropriate amount of gin, and blending with a few ice cubes. Pour about two tablespoons of club soda in a chimney glass, add the mix, with ice cubes if you prefer. Save your egg yolks, plus 1 tsp. of lemon -- you'll need them later. Have a good sip! (Add 1 dash of Orange Flower Water to the drink, not the egg yolks)

Get a huge bowl. Throw into it one diced apple, one diced orange, a large can of crushed pineapple, the grated rind of a lemon, and three tablespoons of chopped preserved ginger (If you like ginger, double this). Add 2 cans of drained Chinese water chestnuts.

Mix this altogether, and have another sip of your drink. Get a second, somewhat smaller, bowl. Into this, measuring by teaspoons, put: 2 hot dry mustard 2 caraway seed 2 celery seed 2 poppy seed 1 black pepper 2 1/2 oregano 1/2 mace 1/2 turmeric 1/2 marjoram 1/2 savory 3/4 sage 3/4 thyme 1/4 basil 1/2 chili powder

In the same bowl, add: 1 Tbl. poultry seasoning 4 Tbl parsley 1 Tbl salt 4 headless crushed cloves 1 well crushed bay leaf 4 large chopped onions 6 good dashes Tabasco 5 crushed garlic cloves 6 large chopped celery

Wipe your brow, refocus your eyes, get yet another drink--and a third bowl. Put in three packages of unseasoned bread crumbs (or two loaves of toast or bread crumbs), 3/4 lb. ground veal, 1/2 lb. ground fresh pork, 1/4 lb. butter, and all the fat you have been able to pull out of the bird.

About now it seems advisable to switch drinks. Martinis or stingers are recommended (Do this at your own risk - we always do!). Get a fourth bowl, an enormous one. Take a sip for a few minutes, wash your hands, and mix the contents of all the other bowls. Mix it well. Stuff the bird and skewer it. Put the leftover stuffing into the neck tube.

Turn your oven to 500 degrees F and get out a fifth small bowl. Make a paste consisting of those four egg yolks and lemon juice left from the Ramos Fizz. Add 1 tsp hot dry mustard, a crushed clove of garlic, 1 Tbl onion juice, and enough flour to make a stiff paste. When the oven is red hot, put the bird in, breast down on the rack. Sip on your drink until the bird has begin to brown all over, then take it out and paint the bird all over with paste. Put it back in and turn the oven down to 350 degrees F. Let the paste set, then pull the bird out and paint again. Keep doing this until the paste is used up.

Add a quart of cider or white wine to the stuff that's been simmering on the stove, This i s your basting fluid. The turkey must be basted every 15 minutes. Don't argue. Set your timer and keep it up. (When confronted with the choice "do I baste from the juice under the bird or do I baste with the juice from the pot on the stove?" make certain that the juice under the bird neither dries out and burns, nor becomes so thin that gravy is weak. When you run out of baste, use cheap red wine. This critter makes incredible gravy!)The bird should cook about 12 minutes per pound, basting every 15 minutes. Enlist the aid of your friends and family.

As the bird cooks, it will first get a light brown, then a dark brown, then darker and darker. After about 2 hours you will think I'm crazy. The bird will be turning black. (Newcomers to black turkey will think you Are demented and drunk on your butt, which, if you've followed instructions, you are) In fact, by the time it is finished, it will look as though we have ruined it. Take a fork and poke at the black cindery crust.

Beneath, the bird will be a gorgeous mahogany, reminding one of those golden-browns found in precious Rembrandts. Stick the fork too deep, and the juice will gush to the ceiling. When you take it out, ready to carve it, you will find that you do not need a knife. A loud sound will cause the bird to fall apart like the walls of that famed biblical city. The moist flesh will drive you crazy, and the stuffing--well, there is nothing like it on this earth. You will make the gravy just like it as always done, adding the giblets and what is left of the basting fluid.

Sometime during the meal, use a moment to give thanks to Morton Thompson. There is seldom, if ever, leftover turkey when this recipe is used. If there is, you'll find that the fowl retains its moisture for a few days. That's all there is to it. It's work, hard work--- but it's worth it.

(What follows is not part of the recipe, but is an ingredients list to aid in shopping for this monster, or for checking your spice cabinet)

Ingredients List:

1 turkey
salt
garlic
4 eggs
1 apple
1 orange
1 large can crushed pineapple
1 lemon
4 large onions
6 celery stalks
bunch of preserved ginger
2 cans water chestnuts
3 packages unseasoned bread crumbs
3/4 pounds ground veal
1/2 pounds ground pork
1/4 pounds
butter
onion juice
1 quart apple cider

Spice List:

basil
bay leaf
caraway seed
celery seed
chili powder
cloves
ground coriander
mace
marjoram
dry mustard
oregano
parsley
pepper, black
poultry seasoning
poppy seed
sage
savory
Tabasco
thyme
turmeric

Firecracker Sauce

It's only a couple days before I hope to watch my Carolina Panthers shut down the Denver Broncos in what should be an exciting and well-matched Superbowl 50. And being the Superbowl, I needed a super dipping sauce for all my baked and deep fried low carb treats.

This sauce is aptly named because it feels like a firecracker went off in your mouth.  There is a LOT of flavor here so it's not all about the heat, but if you love a sweet heat, this is your treat.


2 cloves of garlic; grated
1 teaspoon fresh ginger; grated
2 teaspoons crushed red pepper
1/2 cup Splenda Granular (or equivalent)

1 teaspoon molasses
1/2 cup apple cider vinegar
3/4 cup sugar free ketchup
2 tablespoons El Yucateco Red Habanero Hot Sauce


In a small bowl, mix together ginger, garlic, sweetener, molasses, apple cider vinegar, sf ketchup, and hot sauce. 

Whisk well.

Pour into a small sauce pan on low heat. 

Cook for 5 to 7 minutes stirring frequently.

Remove sauce from heat and pour into heat safe bowl. 

Add crushed red pepper to sauce.

"Keep Pounding, Panthers!"

Cook's Note:

The tiny amount of molasses gives the Splenda a "brown sugar" taste

I could eat this stuff by the gallon so you may want to multiply the recipe for a large group.

Use it for coating or dipping sauce for cheese, meatballs, wings, ANYTHING you want to spice up!

Chicken, Black Bean and Quinoa Chili Verde

DEAD SIMPLE!!

If you don't cook this recipe is for you. It's just a matter of putting things in a pot...  And in a half hour you have dinner!!

If you don't know about them already you are missing one of the greatest kitchen shortcuts of our time.  A rotisserie chicken from the local market is fast, simple and usually DELICIOUS.  Here we transform one, along with a jar of Salsa Verde and a can of black beans,  into a succulent, mildly spicy chili

Ingredients:

1 Tbsp. canola oil
1 large onion, diced
3 garlic cloves, minced
1 Tbsp. ground cumin
kosher salt
1-2 15-oz. can(s) black beans, rinsed
1 rotisserie chicken, shredded
1 16-oz. jar salsa verde
4 cups low-sodium chicken broth 

1 cup quinoa, rinsed
Sour cream, for serving
Fresh cilantro, for serving (optiona;)


In a large pot over medium heat, heat oil. Cook onion and garlic until tender, about 6 minutes. 

Add cumin and season with salt. 

Add black beans, chicken, and salsa verde and stir until combined.
Add chicken broth and quinoa and bring to a boil. 

Reduce heat and let simmer until quinoa is tender, about 20 minutes. 

Serve chili with sour cream and cilantro.

Cook's Notes:
You can substiture Greek Yogurt for 1/2, or all, of the sour cream

If you aren't a cilantro fan (I know you guys exist) you can chop some green onions and use them for garnish as well - plus, they taste great!

If you like a little HEAT I recommend some jalapeno or serrano chilies as garnish (seeded or not - depending on how you like your heat)

The Upside of a Weight-Loss Plateau

It’s December 31st, 2015. You hop on the scale and you weigh the exact same amount you did on January 1st, 2015. How would you feel?

Happy? Sad?

What if I told you that the average American gains 1 pound every year? And that by not gaining a pound in the year, you’re actually doing well above average!

Most people lose a little bit of weight, hit a plateau, then immediately give up when things aren’t going as quickly as they were before. Most people gain that weight back and then some. This whole phenomenon of quitting when things are going more slowly is a bit like hitting traffic on your way home from work, and abandoning your car on the side of the road because you’re not driving as fast as you wanted. Or getting a flat tire and slashing the other three.

There’s a mantra in Zen: “the obstacles are the path.”

Plateaus happen. We know they’re going to happen. In fact, when we plateau, it means that we’ve made progress! It’s the perfect time to look back and see how far you’ve come because no human endeavor is linear. Learning a language, a musical instrument, how do date, or how to write well all takes time, with improvements coming in waves of easy progress, then stagnation, followed by bursts of more progress.

Diane Fu is a weight lifting coach in San Francisco who tells her athletes, “When you hit that first plateau and you’re not improving as fast as you were before, congratulations! You’re no longer a beginner!”

The same is true with fat loss. Weight loss can be fast in the beginning because the more weight you have to lose, the faster it comes off. The closer you get to your goal weight, the slower things get. So it’s not a sign you’re doing something wrong; it’s a sign you’ve done things right! It’s a sign that you’re completely normal and have hit a point that everyone hits on their weight-loss journey. A plateau is a mark on the road, letting you know you’re heading in the right direction, and that you’ve made a lot of progress.

So now it’s up to you. When most people hit a plateau, all they can think about is that things aren’t going as quickly as they were before, so they quit. The weight comes back on and they’re further away from their goal than they ever were. But plateaus are just part of the journey—a slight bend in the road that is still going to take you where you want to be. Do you turn around to go back? Or do you keep walking?

When you focus on the journey instead of the destination, the plateaus come and go. If you keep tracking, keep making little improvements to your diet, keep walking every day and getting some exercise, then the weeks when things aren’t going as quickly as you want them to will give way to the weeks when everything seems to fall into place.

And, before you know it, it will be December 31, 2015. The average American gains 1 pound a year. The average dieter gains back more weight than he or she loses. So all it takes to be better than average is to keep moving forward.

Football Snacks!!

Playoffs, Bowl Games and Ultimately the Superbowl are going to have more than a few of us doing the "couch potato slump" in front of our TVs for the next several weeks.

No need to succumb to the hideous snacks and pizza that will no doubt make the rounds.  Below I'm posting a few simple, delicious and LOW CARB snacks that you can have around to impress your friends AND maintain your healthy (well reasonably healthy) lifestyle.  And all that walking around the kitchen while you make these counts as CARDIO!

Stuffed Jalapenos

Healthy Jalapeno Poppers - Not something most of us can wrap our heads around, but here is a version that lights up your tastebuds as well as your imagination:

Ingredients:
1 lb jalapenos halved and seeded
1 lb sausage browned (the cheap tube, need the grease)
8 oz cream cheese (at room temperature)
6-8 oz grated Parmesan

Instructions:
Cook sausage into crumbles and drain off about 3/4 of the grease
Mix the sausage and cheeses together,
Once the cheese melts stuff the jalapeno halves
Bake at 400 for about 20 minutes


Cook's Notes:
Good quality, name brand sausage is too lean. Get the cheap stuff. Sorry, but turkey sausage is too lean too.
WEAR GLOVES when dealing with chillies. You can't just wash the capsacin off your hands. Everything you touch for days will burn - and I mean EVERYTHING!!!
Optional: Buy some of that thin cheap pre-packaged bacon and wrap each in a 1/2 slice - cook until bacon crisps - because BACON!
I HIGHLY recommend doubling, tripling or even QUADRUPLING this recipe.
Make it dinner!  Wrap the stuffed jalapenos in prosciutto, wrap that in chicken breast cutlets and wrap THAT in bacon!! - Be still my heart!


Queso Covered Bacon "Chip" Nachos

Who doesn't a huge pile of tortilla chips smothered in melted cheese, sour cream, guacamole and salsa? Well it loves you too! It'll gladly hang around your body for YEARS after you've forgotten who won the game that day. BUT... If you eliminate those chips and their carbs and you've got a fighting chance! MAKE BACON CHIPS!!

I'll not tell you how to stack your nachos, but I'll gladly teach you the secret of making bacon chips - which are perfect for snacking ANY time.

Ingredients:
12 strips of thin presliced grocery store bacon

Instructions:
 Preheat oven to 400 F.
 On a baking sheet covered in foil (but don’t grease it or bacon won’t crisp!) lay six strips of bacon next to each other vertically. 
 Weave the remaining strip of bacon horizontally between the vertical strips, creating a “lattice” pattern. 
 Bake bacon lattice for 10 minutes.

During this time assemble all the magnificent topping you will use to smother these heavenly chips

 Remove bacon from oven. Allow to cool
 Use scissors to cut bacon lattice into six “chips” and return to oven for additional five to seven minutes, or until crispy.

Transfer "chips" to plates and top each with your most decadent nacho fixin's.  

Cook's Notes:
Each chip will be 3 strips of bacon wide and 2 high, so you're going to want to make a gazillion of them for a real football party - Don't be shy!
These are also perfect for "Breakfast Nachos" - layered with scrambled eggs, qheso, some guacamole, etc...

Bacon Cheesecake Cups

Rich, smooth, savory, spicy, cheesy filling...  WRAPPED IN BACON!!

Ingredients:
13 slices thick cut bacon
1 lb cream cheese, softened
2 eggs
1 tsp minced dried onion
1 tbsp minced jalapeno 

Instructions:
Place slices of bacon on a cookie sheet. 
Place into a cold oven. 
Turn the oven on to 350 degrees. 
Cook bacon for about 20 minutes. or until it is cooked but not crisp. 
Remove from oven and allow to cool about 5 minutes. 
Wrap one strip around the bottom inside edges of each of 12 standard muffin cups. 
Crumble the remaining strip. 
Place a drop or two of the bacon grease in the base of each muffin cup.

In a medium bowl, use a hand mixer to combine cream cheese, eggs, onion and seasoning. 
Divide the batter among the muffin cups, taking care to stay inside the bacon ring. 
Bake for 20 minutes. 
The cheesecake will puff, but fall after the cups cool. 

Garnish with crumbled bacon.